I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
