saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Randomize
