Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
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