Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
