i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
