saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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