The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Randomize
