he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
