Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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