He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
