Please don't use social media to get back at me.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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