I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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