Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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