woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
