Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Randomize
