K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
