I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
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