he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
