I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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