i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
