no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
