Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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