I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
