My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
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