"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
