Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I lost the right to judge tonight
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