I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Randomize
