after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize
