And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Everything about him screamed your future.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
