Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Randomize
