I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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