I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
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