i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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