Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
