He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
