For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
