Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
