I got her a Nickelback box set.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
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