Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
