i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize
