I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
