You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
