I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
