I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
so much tequila, so little girl.
you made out with another girl for some wings
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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