Are we in a gay sports bar?
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
