i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Randomize
