I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
