I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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