Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
