I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Randomize
