Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
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